


you never need to carry more than you can hold

by MyCupOfTea



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, and excess sap, discussion of jack's anxiety, warnings for:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 03:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11546223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyCupOfTea/pseuds/MyCupOfTea
Summary: Graduation fell the day before the Falconers played game one of the third round at home, meaning that for once, hockey didn't fuck everything up and Bitty got to have his boyfriend watch him graduate.Then, of course, hockey fucked everything up.





	you never need to carry more than you can hold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onawingandaswear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onawingandaswear/gifts).



> Title from Rascal Flatts' "My Wish" because I'm secretly a sap. 
> 
> Written for @whoacanada's birthday.

It takes four pies and more loaves of bread than fit onto the counter for Bitty to admit he's stressed. He knows he's in denial, but he really thought that avoiding his problems with baking was something he would grow out of by the time he's graduated.

He's been wrong about a few things lately.

Bitty knew his picture of what life would be like after graduation was a little idealistic, to say the least. But more than a few things he had pessimistically expected to go wrong had gone right. He had finished his senior thesis two days ahead of his own schedule (which was four days behind Professor Atley's schedule, but that was a minor technicality). His parents had taken the news of his sexuality with more tact and understanding than he expected. Graduation fell the day before the Falconers played game one of the third round at home, meaning that for once, hockey didn't fuck everything up and Bitty got to have his boyfriend watch him graduate.

Then, of course, hockey fucked everything up.

They had decided that they would come out after graduation. Then the Falcs made the playoffs, and they decided would wait until after.

Then Bitty, of course, gets followed home back to the apartment and get his picture while kissing his boyfriend. There's meetings with the Falcs PR and legal teams, and the photographer and their legal team, and ultimately they managed to prevent the picture getting published.

The Falcs get swept out of the playoffs, and Bitty can't find it in him to bring up coming out to Jack.

Not when Jack has been taking hour long, solitary showers instead of his usually ten minute or under, or longer ones where he asks Bitty to join him with a grin.

Not when Jack has been laying awake at night for hours, tossing and turning, only to sleep in late into the day, missing breakfast and sometimes lunch.

Not when Jack, who normally eats enough that even Bitty can find it a challenge to keep him fed, has left food on his plate and shrugs it off by saying he's not hungry.

Not when Jack is obviously not taking care of himself.

Bitty sighs and gets some plastic wrap for the bread. They have neighbors. They'll appreciate some fresh baked bread.

* * *

Bitty bites his lip and checks the time again.

This is another way he knows something is wrong. He's not counting down the hours until Jack is supposed to get home from his workout because he's excited to see him. He's counting down the hours because he's anxious.

He's worried about Jack, and worried about Jack-and-him, as a unit. He's worried because he knows Jack is having a hard time, and he doesn't know what to do about it.

Bitty feels alone, and that's not what he thought he would be feeling within the first month of living with Jack.

It probably doesn't help that he's not working. He jumped at the July 1st start date his new job had given him, envisioning free time for both him and Jack to decompress from the semester and season, respectively, and enjoy being able to go out and about Providence and not have to pretend to be friends on the off chance that someone would see them.

Bitty gives in around the time he was fantasizing about going grocery shopping and calls Lardo.

"Bitty, you're a lifesaver, I was about to chuck this canvas out the window," Lardo sighs into the phone. "What's up?"

"Nothing much!" Bitty says, full of false cheer. He's even smiling even though she can't see him.

"Bitty," she says. "What's wrong?" The smile falls off his face.

"Ah, it's just, you know. Kind of stressed."

"Is it that asshole reporter? Shitty still says you guys could -"

"No, it's not that - well, I mean, it's not _not_ that? But it's more - it's everything, you know?"

"No, Bits, I don't know. Because you haven't really told me what's wrong. But I want to know."

Bitty sighs and bites the bullet.

"It's - it's Jack. I'm worried about him. He's having a hard time and - and I don't really know what to do to help." Bitty rubs at his forehead. "He just seems really anxious and I want to - to help, but I just - everything I can think of falls flat."

"Shit, that's rough. Do you want me or Shitty to -"

 "No! I mean, no. No, thank you. I just. . . needed to tell someone, I think." Bitty lets his head thunk against the fridge, and he realizes something. "I really want my mom's advice, but I'm afraid to tell her."

"Tell her what?"

"That. . . That I'm having a hard time." Bitty makes a frustrated noise. "Because all I can think of is her and Coach telling me when I came out that there were worried this was going to make my life _hard_ or whatever and telling her seems. . ."

 "Like confirming it."

 "Yeah."

Lardo sighs.

 "Bitty, I don't have a magic solution for you, because there isn't going to be a magic solution. But, just because Jack is having a hard time and isn't being himself, doesn't mean he's not himself. He's still Jack, you know?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I know. Thanks, Lardo."

 "Anytime. Now let me tell you about this disaster of a project before I lose what remains of my sanity."

* * *

Bitty jumps up off the couch when he hears the door open, and he and Jack stare at each other before Jack sighs and shuts the door behind him.

"Jack, I - I'm really worried about you." Bitty bites his lip and looks down, preparing for - he doesn't know what.

 "Yeah, I know," is what happens, and then he feels Jack's hands on his elbows, gently encouraging him to unfold them from where they're wrapped around himself. He looks up, startled. Jack looks tired, stressed. "You made two crumbles yesterday and had already started pulling out ingredients for pie dough before I left this morning."

 "I just - I know you're having a hard time and I want to help but I'm also kind of afraid and -"

 "Bits. It's okay. I don't want you to be worried."

Bitty gives a kind of helpless laugh and rests his forehead on Jack's chest, feeling Jack stroke across his back.

"Jack, you should know how useless it is to tell someone not to worry."

That gets a startled laugh out of Jack, and Bitty breathes a little easier.

"I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning. I probably should have made one before now but." Jack shrugs. "I don't really think it's something we need to talk about. I don't think it's anything you need to be really concerned about."

 Bitty frowns and looks up at him.

"Jack, I'm going to worry about you. Whether you're completely fine or not. It's my job."

"Okay." Jack smiles softly down at him. Bitty has a feeling he's being blown off when Jack goes to shower, but he'll let it slide for now.

* * *

 

The next day, Jack walks into the kitchen from his appointment and hovers behind Bitty without saying anything.

"Hi sweetheart. How was your appointment?"

"It was hard." Jack hesitates. "Can we talk about it?"

"Of course." Bitty takes a quick look at Jack. "Let me get some pie." As he turns to dig out two forks out of the drawer, he points accusingly over his shoulder. "And no complaining about the pie. You and I both know tough conversations are better with pie."

 "'It won't fix it, but it'll make it better'?" Jack says, smirking.

"You _did_ learn something from my momma."

Bitty decides it's going to be one of _those_ conversations and brings the whole tin and sets it between him and Jack on the table before handing Jack one of the forks.

"All right, go."

Jack takes a deep breath, fork gripped loosely in his hand.

"Okay. So, um. I've been really anxious lately." Bitty clamps down on the reflex to snark in self defense. "And I haven't been dealing with it really well. Um. I know you've been worried, and I felt guilty that you were feeling worried about me, so I just didn't tell you about it because I didn't want to think about it."

 "Sweetheart, you don't have to feel guilty -"

 "I know, I know, but I did. And I tried to deal with what was stressing me out on my own but I could have just told you about it. Should have just told you about it."

"Okay. Do you want to tell me about it now. . . ?"

"Yeah. I do."

 "I'm listening, sweetpea."

"Almost getting outed really freaked me out. It took up a lot of my time and my attention and then we got knocked out of playoffs. I - I keep looking back and thinking I shouldn't have been so distracted, or if it hadn't happened at all I would have played better and maybe we would have won. And if we had won the cup, maybe when I came out it would go smoother. So now I'm scared about people are going to say now that we've lost and then I come out."

"Jack, you played so well during the playoffs. You were on a point streak and everything. It's not your fault -"

 "Rationally I know that. But this is what I've been thinking about. And I've been avoiding George because I know she's going to want to know what our new plan is and I'm scared to tell her I'm scared." At this point Jack sets down his fork and looks down at his folded hands. Bitty reaches across the table and wraps his hands around Jack's, feeling them tremble under him.

"And then. . ." Jack took a steadying breath. "Marty and Thirdy. Before locker cleanout. They - uh, they told me they're retiring at the end of next year. So. . ." Bitty squeezed his hands. "So they want me to get ready to take the C."

"Really?! Jack, that's -" Bitty was going to say _great_ , but then he thought about everything else that Jack had told him. "Probably a lot of pressure at the wrong time, huh?"

 "That's exactly it. But at the same time, I want that. Just like I want to be out with you. I want to take you on a date in a restaurant and hold your hand in the grocery store."

Bitty lets out a delighted laugh. Jack looks a little affronted before Bitty pats his hand.

"I was just thinking about that yesterday. I want that too." Jack gives him a tentative smile. "And I want to hear about all of your problems. Or concerns. No matter how irrational."

 "Okay."

Bitty stands up to cover what's left of the pie when Jack keeps a hold of his hands and stands up, so that they're facing each other.

"Wait, Bits. I just - I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, Jack. Remember what you always tell me when I'm doubting myself?"

"We're a team?"

"Exactly. Don't be sorry for needing me to be your teammate. I signed up for this. I signed up for _you_ , Jack Zimmermann. In sickness and in health. And in the closet, out of the closet. I love you. Throughout everything. And I'm never going to get tired of supporting you and being your biggest fan. Whether you think you deserve it or not."

Jack tugs Bitty a little closer by their joined hands and rests their foreheads together.

"You're the strongest man I've ever met, Eric Bittle. You make me want to be brave. You _make_ me brave. You give so much of yourself unselfishly and deserve the world. And since you won't take it for yourself, I guess it's my privilege to give it to you. And that includes me. For better or for worse."

Bitty doesn't know what to say to that, so he simply leans up a bit to meet Jack's lips with his.

And they kiss above their clasped hands, secure in each other if not in themselves.


End file.
